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    Anarchy from the UK

    Steve H Britain has always enjoyed a special relationship with the good old U.S of A. Why it only seems like yesterday when Maggie and Ronald joyously consummated their political marriage of free-market conservative ideals and social injustice for the whole world to see on satellite TV. We embraced your fast-food restaurants, family automobiles, fizzy soft-drinks, Sylvestor Stallone movies, and MC Hammer . Likewise you welcomed the British sense of humour (or humor as you crazy guys spell it!) exported by Monty Python and Benny Hill, celebrated as our heir to the throne prince Charles wedded Diana, and supported the solo career of Sting. Sure, sometimes we've had our little differences; you prefer coffee to tea and football to soccer. We prefer cricket to baseball, trousers to pants, and a free- national health service but ok... tamayto-tomato, potayto-potato at the end of the day we'd both rather be chewin on bagels and quarter-pounder's than petit-croissants or any damn Royal with cheese, am I right? Can I have an Amen? Well not just quite yet brother, as the current British media's reaction to recent developments in the Hollywood movie industry reveals our American Buddies are maybe not so much keen to be high-5-ing us over the Atlantic Ocean as offering us the stern middle finger!

    oui monsiour Gibson. Lets kick some English derriere!
    oui monsiour Gibson. Lets kick some English derriere!
    Mel Gibson's to blame of course. His latest blockbuster 'the patriot' recently arrived in England amidst a tidal wave of allegations that the movies representation of the British army was-get this-at best wholly inaccurate and at worst quasi-racist. That's right! 'the English' are apparently being manufactured by Hollywood to be seen as more of a threat to justice, morality, freedom and family values than Saddam Hussein and Napster put together. The British media say Hollywood would much prefer to see the enduring image of Alan Rickman- fully resplendent in Royal military uniform- casually slicing off the innocent testicles of a blind US service veteran whilst digesting his own faeces, than watch Hugh Grant try and charm his way into Julia Roberts panties. Come to think of it so would I, but this rather misses the point. As the media furore develops, British commentators claim that Hollywood is surreptitiously attempting to re-write the true course of history by producing films based on real-life events such as 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'U-571', which cut, paste and emit facts in order to reaffirm favorable notions of Uncle Sam patriotism. The scene in 'the patriot' which caused most offense is when the English Red coat army set ablaze a church full of innocent women and children leaving them to peril in the flames. This was apparently proved to be entirely fictitious as there are no historical records of such heinousness ever happening during the war of independence. Case of Hollywood subversion and conspiracy against the good English name proved they cried. "Bullshit !" Retorted Hollywood, "these are fu**in movies man, no more fu**in realistic than snow fu**kin white and her seven fu**in dwarves... you limey fu**s!" "What about the Truth?" Rallied the right honourable English press...."You Can't Handle the Truth!!!!" snarled Hollywood. And they're right of course, for a quick glimpse at the history books proves poor old baby Britain is not so short of her own crimes against humanity-Come on down! 'the Boer war', 'the Falklands war' 'Bloody Sunday', Phil Collins e.t.c.- as to be quite so sententious.

    So ultimately, what is the average common man or woman on the street to make of all this? Well, the current British media brouhaha surrounding 'the patriot' does raise some interesting questions to test the merits of our countries special relationship. Questions like: Is the American film industry functioning as an Ideological State Apparatus for maintaining U.S global hegemony? Is it Tony Blair's 'weapons of mass destruction' which the pentagon should be really fearing? Who would win in a no holds barred death-match between Ethan Hunt and James Bond? When will these screaming voices reverberating inside my head ever leave me in peace? Unfortunately I am not in the position to be able to answer such questions, but to offer a few words of conciliation I say to Hollywood please, lets not fight anymore. The British (when sober) are largely a nation of passive, well mannered, tea-drinking yellow- bellies who in real life could never live up to the image of merciless, power-hungry psychopaths which you seem to have reinvented for us. This facade must stop! Please revert to using Communists, extra- terrestrials and Islamic fundamentalists as your movie villains so we can be friends again once more.

    Written By: Steven H.